Final Foreplay
by Bracken-Fae
Summary: Probably not funny but we are bored. Not bred. Co written by Emo the gen. Enjoy! (might help if you drink a whole load of Dr Pepper and sniff a load of 'Fairy Dust' incense before reading.)
1. Chapter 1 : Is Tidus gay?

**Final Foreplay.**

**OK, so we (me and my friend Imogen the Emo) were sat in my front room and she goes 'final foreplay?' (Looking at my copy of final fantasy 10-2.) and so this fic was born of random + probably unfinishedness. And also of Dr Pepper. All praise the powers that be.**

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Chapter one: Is Tidus gay? (I say no but he likes Yuna so you never know)

One fine day in the middle of the night, tidus was getting restless.

"The directors will have the solution." So he called the Directors. (AKA Bracken and Emogen) and they appeared in his bedroom in a poofter of pink and green polka-dotted smoke.

"now what?" Asked Emogen in a husky and mysterious voice, at which Tidus shied away from the sexy apparitions before him.

"yeah I'm getting my hair done at sephiroths salon in about 10 mins chop chop. " Bracken twizzled her drab locks around her goddess-like fingers.

"Do you know how hard it is to get an appointment there!" Emogen side parted her fringe effortlessly.

"oh…well..umm…no…i..um dont" Tidus stammered overawed by their beauty and nails

"no well you wouldn't would you, yuna attacks you hair with rusty scissors doesn't she?" Bracken says with a look that would have you slashed into bits and placed in a basket if only they could maim (looks that is not baskets, though that's a scary thought eh?) The two Directors decided this was getting boring and suddenly they appeared outside a club. Not just any club though. They dragged Tidus inside, still non-clothed (he sleeps in the nude… ew…) and they saw with wonder that it was in fact a gay bar. The bar belonged to none other than Tidus' special friend Kimari… (A/N ew beastophile. Does that even work?)

"Hey, I've been here before!" Tidus exclaimed with happiness.

"good I'm sure you'll fit right in" Emogen exclaimed stifling a giggle

"yeah, FIT in" Bracken laughed

"what the Hell does that even mean?" the Emo child asked, raising an eyebrow.

"it means your mum! ohhh" Bracken retorted

"WHAT! that doesn't mean anything either!" Emogen re-retorted (okay so I'm running out of words, sue me!)

"sure it does"

"Oh yeah well prove it!" and with that they vanished in a cloud of grey smoke still arguing over the fact that Bracken cant use sexual innuendo.

Tidus stood there looking nonplussed for a while with a large red question mark over his head just like the one over his sexuality. Just as he was about to have a seizure from all the thoughts, his good ol' furry friend turned up, looking… friendly.

"Hey Kimari, I really love your crib, all the men are really friendly to me, and there are some really hot women. Score!" Kimari nods knowingly, and winks at a passer by jovially. "Are you wearing lipstick?"

"No! What do you take me for? It's gloss Blondie!" and with that he took off after the 'man' he had just winked at. Tidus ogled the young ahem women outside the club then decided to get himself a drink whilst spying at the bar a man who looked suspiciously like lulu. (you know, the one with the tits)

"you know you look like my friend Lulu but she had huge boobs and yours are kinda small"

"you clutz! I am Lulu. The boobs didn't work so I decided to dress up as a man to get laid. You'd think it would work here but they seem to see straight through me." Lulu complained whilst holding a bottle of jack daniels.

"No they can see through your dress, your standing in the spotlight" Tidus said bending down to waist height

"Shit! And stop perving on me jackass! You're with Yuna. So why are you here?"

"She dumped me for a cauliflower. Said it had a bigger I. erm… O? Y? I dunno. Why shouldn't I be here?" Lulu shook her head and returned to drowning her sorrows.

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**So… random and defying all laws of good fanfictions but hey. Review!**

**Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! Dance Monkey Dance! (I always wanted to say that)**


	2. Chapter 2 : Competition?

**And we're right back with Chapter 2. Again, enjoy. **

**And oh crap we forgot to include a disclaimer so all you lawyer people here it is: We (Emo the gen and bracken the fae) own absolute bob all. We don't even own the bar. That's Kimari's. **

**(And contrary to my usual style, these chapters are intentionally short because otherwise we would get too damn bored. Attention spans of gnats. (and spelling of too, according to Smellogen.) **

**Enjoy!

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Chapter 2: Competition?

Kimari laughed as he surveyed his large gay bar kingdom of bondage and male on chipmunk action. But his happiness was not to be. The powers (AKA the Directors) decided to turn up at that moment, holding those massive sign posts advertising 'Rikku's Underage Al-Bhed Strip joint.' The caption read 'are you a paedophile? Do you like Girls in school uniform? Then come along and join the fun!' the small print read 'we accept no responsibility if fathers see their daughter dancing at our joint, it's your fault and your all sick perverts. We look forward to seeing you soon.' All of a sudden the so-called 'gays' flocked out of the room, after seeing the most gorgeous goddesses that were Emo and the Plant girl. (Or the goddess-like signs they were holding.)

"what the?" Kimari exclaimed, it has been said that the dust cloud did not settle for weeks afterwards. "Damn Rikku, she's ruining my business."

"I remember her! She used to tuck me in at night if you er know what I mean" Tidus Nudged and winked so much it was hard not to!

"no she didn't. that was me you dolt." Kimari exclaimed.

"oh! But Yuna had the same thingy as you" Tidus puzzled

"ewwww….chick with a dick" Kimari shuddered involuntarily. He looked sadly around his once grand palace. "So, you wanna go check out Rikku's strip joint?"

"Totally. Will there be any cabbages?"

"Err…"

The competition was a hamster shaped factory which had been closed down years ago. (Petsmart boo hiss) So, naturally, there were lots of large poles. (A/N, don't ask.) Tidus gazed up in wonder at the amazing sight that beheld him. GIRLS! All ripe for the taking.

"wow!" he breathed breathily under his breath

"I'll say check the cock on that guy!" kimari leered.

"hey guys" said a very camp Al-Bhed attendant in spandex. Kimari's eyes almost popped out of his head and he began to giggle girlishly. What a sight. Suddenly, a cry rang out. The karaoke had started. Lulu had taken to the stage. She was singing 'It's raining men' with a wishful and faraway look on her face. Tidus looked at the nearest podium, upon which there was a scantily clad teenager. Upon peering closer, (or should we say 'leering closer') it dawned on him.

"Rikku!" He shouted lovingly. A silver haired youth appeared in a bar tender's outfit, lipstick smothered across his collar and face. It looked suspiciously like the Director's favourite colour. "Not you, stupid rent-boy." He waved the male prostitute away, not anticipating what was in store.

"You can't tip more than me, I don't want to look bad in front of Ri-" Emo the gen was shouting, finally realising they had materialised and giving Tidus a good kick in the knackers before Bracken scolded him harshly for 'hurting their favourite boy's feelings.' She was currently stroking the purring child's head. They argued over Riku for a while before disappearing with him indefinitely. On the podium, the ruckus had caused Rikku to divert her attention from a group of leering granddads to Tidus' spot, where he lay, writhing on the ground. Intent on getting the crowd's attention back on to something other than an unemployed wriggler, she ran over to Lulu's stage, grabbed the mic and announced that they would now be having a 'find the rubber duck' competition. Her favourite past time was now recognised. Tidus decide enough was enough and ran out the doors (conveniently placed at the Hamsters rear end) before he was left with no way of ever reproducing. He there found Lulu crying over what seemed to be spilt milk. It was in fact her love life. There was nothing there, Tidus was hallucinating again.

"My attempts at getting rained on by men were not recognised" She whimpered "But I mustn't give up hope of getting laid! I will do anything and I MEAN anything!"

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Haha! Chapter two finished!

Next time on loser F.M : Tidus enters the prawn business. Or so he thinks. Moohahaha.


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